


Suicide Pact

by jxy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pregnancy, So much angst, Suicidal Alec, Suicidal Clary, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempts, everyone is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-13 09:36:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15361560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxy/pseuds/jxy
Summary: "I don't think I want you to jump." Clary said, casting her eyes to Alec where he stood next to her."I don't think I want you to jump either." He replied, his eyes trained on the ground below them.Clary took a step back, keeping her eyes on the ground as she stepped of the ledge. "Then I won't."Alec turned, the top of his shoe hitting the edge of the roof, and for a second he contemplated throwing himself off anyways. But he looked down and saw the hope in Clary's eyes, shining despite the circumstances, and he stepped down too.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Please point out any grammatical or spelling mistakes that you notice, as well as things that just don’t make sense, so I can fix them. 
> 
> TW: homophobia; homophobic language, child abuse, violence

“I've got something to tell you.”

Alec thought he'd never see the day he said those words to his father, much less to broach the subject he was about to. The Lightwood men were private, they didn't let their emotions control them. That was how his father had raised him, it was how his father himself had been raised. It was rare that they ever truly showed their emotions to people. Robert was, presumably, only emotional around his wife. Alec's emotions peeked out in the form of his siblings. It was something his father had other chastised him for. Robert was an only child, so he didn't understand the relationship Alec had with his siblings. His mom understood. His mom understood everything.

“What is it, Alexander? I don't have all day.”

Robert was, of course, a very busy man. He was a successful lawyer grooming his children into becoming exactly like him. He owned some sort of business that, for the better part of his life, had kept him away from his family. Alec had no idea what the business was despite his status as next in line to run it. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to run the business. He was thirteen, he didn't care about the business. He wanted to write books.

“Alec's got a secret!”

Isabelle, Alec's younger sister, was generally the only good thing about his life. Her and their little brother, Max, were the most important people in the world to him. He'd put his life on the line for them, it didn't matter why. It was the type of man his father had raised him to be. Well, raised isn't exactly the correct word. He hadn't finished raising him yet. He was too young for his father to be finished with him.

“I, well, I.”

Alec took a deep breath, trying to pull his emotions back in. He wasn't going to cry. He'd cried about this too much already. He'd cried about it the first day he'd noticed himself looking at a boy in his class for too long, the first day he'd really wanted to hold his best friend's hand when they were walking to school, the first day he pretended he wanted to have sex with the girls in the year above him. He didn't want a girlfriend, he wanted a boyfriend. There was nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend, his teacher had told him when he asked her about it. So, after months of deliberation, he finally, finally decided to tell them.

“I'm gay.” He said.

You could hear a pin drop in the silence that blanketed the room. His father's fork fell to the table, clattering against his breakfast plate, and Alec had to physically stop himself from wincing as the sharp noise pierced his ears. He looked up slowly, his eyes darting between his family members, fear shining bright in them. Alec had been thinking about this for days, thinking about all the ways this could go wrong, but this wasn't one of them. He expected his parents to scream, to tell him he was wrong, to kick him out of the house. He'd packed a bag just incase, preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. This wasn't either.

“You're not.” Robert said finally. He wiped his face with his napkin, tossing it down on the table. His chair screeched loudly against the floor in the silence of the room.

“Dad, come on.” Alec pleaded.

“Shut up,” Robert snapped, and the rest of Alec's words died on his tongue, his mouth closing instantly. “No son of mine is a faggot. We'll get you therapy, make sure these perverted thoughts leave your head.”

Alec could feel tears welling up. He'd expected this, he'd known it was going to happen, but that didn't lessen the sting. It felt as though someone had slapped him, dragging all of the air from his lungs away with any hope of ever having a normal life.

Robert stopped next to his chair, his hand landing gently on his sons shoulder, but the way his fingers dug into him hard enough to bruise told him a different story than the calm nature of his voice. “This isn't your fault, Alec. We'll fix it.”

\---

Robert didn't, in fact, fix it. It only got worse. Alec wasn't a child anymore, he knew what he felt. He was graduating high school in three months. The pressure on his shoulder to keep the family name alive was suffocating, and he felt as though he'd cave under it any second. He had Izzy at least. She was there, she understood everything he was going through. Their father had been just as cruel to her as he had been to Alec for the past four years. After Alec's little confession when he was thirteen, Robert had become even more distant, throwing himself even further into work than he had before. He went weeks without showing his face at home. It was wearing on all of them.

Max was old enough to understand what was going on now. He had been merely four when Alec had come out to his parents. He hadn't understood why their father suddenly wasn't at dinner, or why he looked increasingly more disgusted with Alec on the rare occasions he was. He was nine now. Now he knew what it meant when Robert called Alec a fag under his breath, when he called Isabelle a slut when he shirts hung too low, why he yelled at Maryse so much. She didn't deserve any of what had happened. She was kind and supportive, never judging Alec the way his father had. He loved his mother more than anything. He just didn't know what to do with all of that love.

“I have something to tell you.” Alec said, standing in the doorframe of the kitchen, his hands clasped behind his back nervously.

Maryse turned from where she was stood at the sink, smiling at her son as she dried her hands and turned around completely. “What is it sweetheart?”

“I have a boyfriend.” he told her, and his heart swelled at the way her eyes lit up.

“Really?” She gasped, a grin taking over her face. “Who is he? What's his name? Do I know him? Do we need to have the talk?”

Alec laughed, shaking his head. “Slow down a bit mom. It's not like I'm gonna marry him. He's just my boyfriend.”

“Your what?”

Both froze where they stood, backs straight and eyes wide. Alec slowly turned around, coming face to face with his father, his eyes narrowed and his skin flushed in rage. “Dad, I-"

“Shut up,” Robert spat, and like he always did, Alec clamped his mouth shut. Robert raised his hand, bringing it down harshly, and Alec heard his mother scream before he felt the sting in his cheek. “You are not my son. I didn't raise a faggot.”

“Robert!” Maryse shouted, but he ignored her. Alec saw Izzy and Max come out of their rooms, and he so badly wanted to shake his head and yell at them to run away. Izzy must have seen the red mark on his cheek, as she stopped suddenly at the top of the stairs, grabbing Max’s shoulder to stop him.

“Get out.” Robert hissed.

“Please-" Alec begged. He didn't want this now. He didn't want to tell his father at all. He was just going to tell his mom, maybe tell Izzy and Max later, but never his father. He wasn't prepared for this, he didn't want this.

Robert shoved him, grabbing an abandoned kitchen knife and holding it out in front of him. Alec heard his mother gasp, heard Izzy quietly tell Max to call 911, but all he could see was the face of the man who'd raised him, staring at him with pure, undisguised hatred in his eyes. “You heard me! Get out of my house or so help me I will kill you!”

“Dad, don't.” He pleaded, tears falling freely from his eyes now.

“I'm not your father!” Robert screamed. He shoved the knife forward, clearly aiming for Alec's shoulder, but he didn't hit him. His mother caught his wrist, holding him back from hurting her son. 

Alec could hear sirens, could see the flashing lights through the back window, and he was suddenly so glad Izzy had given Max the instructions to call the police. “Enough Robert!”

“Why are you defending him?” Robert snapped, moving to start towards Alec again, but Maryse shoved him back. Alec was prepared to jump in, to stop this before it got bloody and let all of the violence happen to him. Robert held the knife out in front of him, and Alec gently grabbed his mother's wrist, dragging her backwards until she was standing closer to him. "He's sick, disgusting. And you must be too." 

He moved, bringing the knife down towards his wife, and Alec quickly shoved her out of the way. She hit Robert as she was shoved, cashing the knife to change directions, and it came down sharply across Alec's face. He staggered back, reaching up and pressing his fingers to the long cut across his eyebrow, blood dripping into his eye as he cast his gaze back up to his father. 

A police officer grabbed Robert from behind, slamming him into the counter, effectively knocking the knife from his hand, and quickly clipping handcuffs onto his wrists. Izzy pulled their mother towards her, grabbing Alec's wrist to do the same. He let himself be pulled, let Izzy wrap her arms around him and bury her face in his chest. He even ran his fingers through her hair in a way he knew she found comforting, but he couldn't take his eyes away from the door his father had been pulled out of. The red and blue slowly left, and another officer stepped into the house to take their statements, joining the one that had stepped over to speak with his mother. A man stepped towards Alec. He was tall, with dark skin and kind eyes, and helped alec towards a training nurse that would stitch up his face. She said her name was Cat, and as she gently eased the rag he'd been using to stop the blood away from his face, Alec realized it would scar. He'd always have a scar there, something to mark his failure, his inability to keep his fucking mouth shut. He wouldn't be able to forget. He'd never be allowed to forget. Not anymore. 


	2. Nothing New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thanks asshole,” Raj smirked, punching Alec back. “You should really find someone to hook up with. It'll do you some good.”
> 
> “No thank you.” Alec rolled his eyes.
> 
> Meliorn smiled in their direction, motioning towards the other side of the bar, and Raj downed the rest of his drink. “I'll send someone your way.” He promised.
> 
> “Don't.” Alec warned. Raj ignored him, walking off to the other side of the bar, leaving Alec alone. Alec was always alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to point out any spelling/grammatical errors that you find :)
> 
>  
> 
> Tw: sexual assault

Alec didn't generally do parties. They weren't really his thing. If the constant grinding and the copious amounts of alcohol weren't enough to turn him away from them, the loud music sure was. Still, he hadn't been out in a while, and Izzy continually reminded him that he needed to get out of the house more. Which lead to his current predicament of standing at the bar at yet another party Raj had dragged him to. It wasn't all bad. Free alcohol made the entire experience a little bit more enjoyable. He wasn't alone this time either. His sad, far away expression and hopeless posture had convinced his friend to stay and talk with him for a little bit. Which lead to him venting his feeling to him while drinking a bottle of beer, but it was better than being alone. 

 

“I just feel stuck, ya know?” Alec sighed, taking another sip of his drink. 

 

Raj nodded, taking a sip of his own. “I get it dude. It feels like there's nothing new we can do.” 

 

“Nothing new to do in Brooklyn,” Alec clarified. “Fuck, nothing new to do in America anymore. Everything has already been done by somebody.” 

 

“Well, not everything. We've never sent a human to Jupiter.” the bartender, a boy their age named Meliorn, said as he refilled Raj’s glass. 

 

Raj pointed at Alec. “Dude that's so true!” 

 

“They'd die. The current speed of space travel takes too long and they'd die of old age before they got there.” Alec commented, taking a swig of his drink. 

 

Raj frowned. “That doesn't sound very fun.” 

 

“No,” Alec laughed, leaning forwards on the bar more. “No it does not.” 

 

“Are you sure you're okay dude?” Raj asked once their laughing spell was over. 

 

Alec nodded. “Yeah. I'm totally fine dude.” 

 

“I'm just worried about you,” he sighed, turning so his back was to the bar. “You've been getting more and more distant lately.” 

 

He shrugged. “You know how it is. Family pressure and all that. I love them and I know they want what's best for me, but sometimes I feel like they're suffocating me.” 

 

“I feel ya,” Raj nodded, taking another drink. “But you're positive you're gonna be okay?” 

 

Alec smiled at him. “Positive.” 

 

“Good, cause dude, okay, that Meliorn guy? His shift is over in like fifteen minutes and I wanna see if he'll stay and dance with me. Will you be okay on your own?” Raj asked, bouncing a little where he stood. 

 

Alec smiled, punching Raj lightly in the shoulder. “I always am.” 

 

“Thanks asshole,” Raj smirked, punching Alec back. “You should really find someone to hook up with. It'll do you some good.” 

 

“No thank you.” Alec rolled his eyes. 

 

Meliorn smiled in their direction, motioning towards the other side of the bar, and Raj downed the rest of his drink. “I'll send someone your way.” He promised. 

 

“Don't.” Alec warned. Raj ignored him, walking off to the other side of the bar, leaving Alec alone. Alec was always alone. 

 

He took a sip of his beer, turning around to observe the bodies grinding together on the dance floor. Very few of the people at the party were of age, Alec not being one of them, and despite the fact that he didn't even know the host, Alec could say that it was one of the better parties he'd seen. This one had a proper bar and people who actually knew how to mix drinks. Izzy would have loved this, he thought distantly, if she could be here. He'd invited his sister, wanting someone to talk to once Raj inevitably blew him off, but she'd been too busy to come. Part of him knew she was just saying that because she didn't want to spend time with him, but he tried to brush it off. It wasn't working. He took another sip of his drink. 

 

It wasn't that Izzy didn't love him. He knew she did. But he was also twenty years old and still wasn't in college, spending most of his days out doing mindless things instead of focusing on his education. She had graduated high school that year and had already decided which school to pursue her higher education in. Alec had been accepted by multiple universities when he was in his senior year. He even had one picked put to actually attend. He never did, the incident with his father taking too heavy of a toll on him for him to be able to go. Izzy understood that, she must didn't want to associate herself with it. Alec knew she was trying, that's all that mattered to him. He told her he didn't care how much time she spent with him, that he knew she loved him regardless. He was lying. He took another drink. 

 

“Hey there handsome.” A low voice hummed next to him. 

 

Alec rolled his eyes, sparing him a glance. He didn't look all that bad, all messy blonde hair and green eyes, but Alec knew his type. He was wearing a hoodie from an annual flea market that happened around the area, his hair dyed fake blonde, and his body swaying enough that Alec could tell from a second of looking at him how drunk he was. There was a ‘Make America Great Again’ patch ironed onto his flea market jacket and Alec slowly felt his soul detach from his body. The man's hand tracked down Alec's hip until it reached his ass. He shoved the guy away from him. “Not gonna happen.” He barked, downing the rest of his beer before walking off. 

 

At least, he tried to walk away, but the man grabbed his arm and pulled him back, pressing himself up against Alec's back tightly. “Your friend sent me. Said you wanted some fun?” 

 

“Did he? Well I'm not interested, so fuck off.” Alec growled, trying to pry himself away from the man. 

 

“Come on, let me make you feel good.” The man bit his earlobe, and Alec had had enough. 

 

He stomped down on the man's foot as hard as he could, shoving him away from him. “I said no asshole!” he moved quickly, dodging grinding bodies as he made his way to the door. He pulled out his phone as he walked, shooting off a quick text to Raj, wherever he was, letting him know he'd gone home. 

 

“Come on, don't be like that!” the man called after him, starting to follow Alec out of the party. 

 

He picked up the pace, shoving the door open and all but running out of whoever's apartment he'd been in, making it to the elevator as fast as he could. Unfortunately for him, the man from before managed to make it before the doors closed. He smirked, walking closer to Alec and backing him into the wall, shoving his knee between his legs. Alec grunted, trying to shove the man off of him, but he caught his wrists in his hands and shoved them to the wall behind him. “I'm going to have so much fun with you.” The man murmured, his hot breath reeking of alcohol where it ghosted across his face. Alec felt like he was going to be sick. 

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a couple deep breaths, before he brought his knee up as hard as he could between the man's legs. He groaned, backing away from Alec, and gave him all the room he needed to bring the same knee up into his chin. He stomped on the side of his face for good measure, before the doors of the elevator opened and he walked out, the blood from the man's face leaving a couple vague footprints behind him. 

 

“Holy shit, sir!” he heard someone call, but he kept trudging forwards, blood sticking his boot to the floor. 

 

“What the hell happened?” someone else shouted. 

 

Alec shrugged, continuing his walk towards the door. “It was self defense.”

 

“Alec Lightwood, freeze where you are before I taser you.” That stopped him, and he slowly turned where he stood, facing the woman who'd shouted at him. 

 

“Jia,” he hummed, shooting her a lopsided grin. “It's good to see you.” 

 

She narrowed her eyes. “It's officer Penhallow to you. Turn around, hands behind your back.” 

 

“Jia, come on-” 

 

“You attacked a man unprovoked, Alec. I have to arrest you for that.” Jia sighed, pulling her handcuffs out. She was in duty. Alec was in serious trouble this time. 

 

“It was self defense,” Alec explained quickly. “He was gonna rape me, Jia! I couldn't do nothing.” 

 

“Turn around Lightwood!” she snapped. 

 

Alec raised his hands in surrender, turning his back to her and putting his hands behind him. He felt handcuffs dig into his wrist slightly as she clipped them on, and immediately after he found himself being dragged out to a police car. He winked at a girl sitting in the corner of the lobby, which only served to piss Jia off more, as she pulled on his arm tighter causing the handcuffs to dig into his wrists more. She opened the door to the backseat, shoving him forcefully inside and slamming the door on him. 

 

Alec sighed, moving around slightly and managing to get his arms in front of him. Jia had gone somewhere, leaving him to stare at nothing in the silence of the police car. He'd done nothing wrong as far as he was concerned. He didn't kill the guy, and everything he'd done had been self defense. Sure, maybe stomping on the side of the man's face had been a little uncalled for, but he deserved it. Alec wouldn't have slept with him regardless of who he was. He wasn't the type of person to do mindless hookups. Which lead to him being a twenty year old virgin, but it seemed like every part of his personality had a major downside. For the most part the downside was that the personality belonged to him. He was sure it would make more sense mixed with somebody else. 

 

Alec was many things in his eyes. He was lazy, selfish, useless, a waste of space. He was ruining his life and he knew it, but he didn't stop. He smoked and he desk underage, though not nearly as much as some people. He hung out with the wrong types of people, sat around at home all day doing nothing. He had no job, no social life outside of Raj and the stupid parties he dragged him to that always seemed to get him in some form of trouble. Tonight's form of trouble just so happened to be sitting in the back of a cop car for defending himself against his would be rapist. That didn't seem fair to him, but he wouldn't complain. Complaining got him nowhere. 

 

Eventually Jia came back, throwing open the drivers side door and sliding in before slamming it closed. “We looked over the security tapes. It was self defense, you're free to go.” 

 

Alec let out a breath of relief. “Thank God.” 

 

“I'm driving you home, and then I don't wanna see you again for the next year, got it?” She said, her eyes finding his in the rear view mirror. Her glare was icy, and Alec knew she meant for her words to come off as harsh as they did. He'd really fucked up this time. 

 

“Yes ma'am.” He agreed, casting his eyes down to his shoes. 

 

Jia started the car and drove, leaving Alec to sit in silence again. Nobody would be awake when he got home. It was the middle of the night, probably close to two am. His mother, Izzy, and Max would all be asleep by now. They always were. Alec didn't see much of them these days. They all left early and he got home late, giving them little to no time in the day to spend time together. Even weekends tended not to work out in their favour. Alec would sleep in late, get up and drag himself out to do things he needed to do, and then come home and collapse in his room again from the effort leaving the house took. Most days breathing felt like too much work, taking too much energy to complete. Sometimes Alec thought he'd be better off if his father had killed him. At least then his lack of continued existence could make up for how useless he was. 

 

“If I have to do this for you again I'll lose my job, Alec.” Jia told him. 

 

Great, he thought, another way to make me feel awful. “I'm sorry.” 

 

“You should be.” 

 

She didn't say anything else for the rest of the drive. She unlocked Alec's handcuffs when they reached his house, ushering him inside with the promise of not doing something so stupid again. He trudged through the house, grabbing a glass of water and some pain killers, before heading upstairs. He worked his way through his routine, stripping down and brushing his teeth, before he finally collapsed into bed. It felt like he had just laid down when he heard a voice. 

 

“Alec, are you alive in there?” 

 

Alec groaned, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow. The sounds of cars whizzing by his window wasn't helping him get more sleep, nor was it helping soothe the pounding headache circling through his skull.      

“If you don't answer me in the next ten seconds I'm coming in.” 

 

He didn't bother answering, finding the idea of staying perfectly still and letting sleep overtake him much more appealing, but as promised ten seconds later his bedroom door was thrown open and in came in his sister in all of her morning person glory. 

 

“Seriously?” She sighed, and he cracked one eye open enough to see her standing next to his head, her hands perched on her hips as she glared down at him, disappointment clear in her eyes. “I thought you might at least be doing something productive in here.” 

 

“And what productive thing would I have been doing?” he groaned, forcing himself into a sitting position, watching her pace around his room and yank open his curtains. He wasn't getting any more sleep with Izzy there to bother him, no matter how much effort it took to simply sit up. 

 

She ignored his question, turning back to look at him with her hands on her hips again. “Mom made breakfast. Hopefully you're not too hungover to actually come downstairs to eat.” was all she said before quickly leaving the room, closing the door behind her. 

 

He groaned again, throwing the covers off of himself and rolling gracelessly out of bed. If he didn't go downstairs Izzy would be beyond disappointed. Alec hated disappointing her. It felt like the worst thing he could do, letting down his little sister who, until a year before, had confessed to idolizing him. He felt awful know that he couldn't be that for her anymore. She thought so little of him now a days, putting him down as drunk and lazy. Her assumptions that he was too hungover to go downstairs and eat with them were wrong. He almost never drank enough to get drunk. Hell, he almost never drank in the first place. But he let her believe it, let her believe that her older brother had tossed his life down the drain, if it meant he didn't have to face the bigger, uglier truth. He sighed, forcing himself to get up and face his family. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was super short I’m sorry but I needed to get this out of the way before I can post the next one and it just didn’t fit into the next chapter properly. As you can probably tell, this is gonna me updated on Wednesday’s, so check back next week for more. Let me know what you’re thinking, any opinions you may have, what you think is gonna happen. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	3. The Worst Of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can I ask why you’re here?”
> 
> “Why do you think.” Alec shrugged, turning his eyes from her to the city. 
> 
> “You’re gonna jump?” She asked, her voice small, quiet. 
> 
> Alec nodded, taking another drag from the rapidly shrinking cigarette between his fingers. “Yup.”
> 
> “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to point out and grammatical/spelling errors that you find :)

“Jia called me this morning.” Maryse said, pouring herself some coffee. 

Alec sat up straighter, fidgeting with his hands. He knew where this conversation was going. He always knew where these conversations were going. “Did she?” 

She hummed in affirmation. “She did. She called to tell me what you did last night.” 

“What did you do?” Izzy asked, shoveling a forkful of eggs into her mouth. 

“He got into a fight,” Maryse said, cutting in and explaining before Alec even had the chance to defend himself. “He attacked a man for no reason.” 

“It was self defense. He was trying to assault me.” Alec grumbled, shoving his own spoonful of cereal into his mouth. 

“She also told me that she lost her job.” his mother continued. 

He sat up even straighter. “She what?” 

“I think you heard me the first time. She lost her job because of you Alec.” Maryse snapped. 

“I-" this couldn't be happening. It was an act of self defense, Jia knew that, she looked at the security tapes. Why the hell would she lose her job over something like that? 

“Alec what the fuck did you do?” Izzy gasped. 

“I didn't do anything. I told you, it was self defense.” he protested. 

Maryse rolled her eyes. “Self defense doesn't cost people their jobs Alec.” 

“It was self defense.” he insisted, shoving another spoonful of cereal into his mouth. 

“Who were you out with last night?” She demanded. 

Alec shoved his cereal away. His appetite was diminishing by the second and he couldn't eat anymore. Not with the knowledge of what he did. “Raj.” He mumbled, already knowing what his mother was going to have to say about that. His family hated Raj and his entire family for reasons that were beyond Alec. He may not be the best person in the eyes of things like the law or general society, but Raj was nice. He listened when Alec went on drunken rants about things he didn't care about, sat with him when he was bored out of his mind but too depressed to get out of bed and do anything. If you ignored the pressure he put on Alec to be like he was, he was an amazing friend. 

“You're always out with Raj.” Izzy rolled her eyes, shoving her now empty plate away from her. 

“Because I like Raj!” 

“I can't stand that boy, or his parents,” Maryse huffed. “They're stoners, awful people who have put awful ideas of what is acceptable into your mind. I've never liked them and I never will.” 

Alec rolled his eyes, leaning back in his chair. “He's a good person.” 

“No, he's not Alec! You're always with him and his family, you have no idea what a normal family looks like because you're never with your own!” Izzy snapped. 

“Because our family is so normal.” He spat. 

Maryse took a deep breath, rolling her shoulders back and clasping her hands together in front of her. Her words were cold as ice when she spoke. “I want you to leave.” 

Alec's mouth fell open. He sat for a minute, processing what his mother had told him. She wanted him to leave. His mother wanted him to leave. The idea seemed so impossible to him that he would have laughed in any other situation. His mother loved him, he knew that. She'd defended him to his father, risked her life for him when he'd lashed out. She had always been there for him no matter what he needed. And here she sat, her face devoid of all emotion, telling her son, her eldest child, that she wanted him to leave. 

“What?” he stuttered out, his voice so quiet he was sure she didn't hear it. But she did, and Alec could see the blank mask she'd put on crack a little bit along with his voice. 

“I'm not doing this because I don't love you,” she said, the need to convince her son that she didn't hate him overpowering her need to get her point across. “I'm doing this because I do. I love you more than anything Alec, and it kills me to see you like this.” 

“So what, you think kicking me out will suddenly cure my depression?” Alec snapped. There was more hostility, more anger in his voice than he'd ever directed towards his mother. Good boys respected their mothers, they didn't yell at them. That's what his father had always taught him. His father was wrong about a lot of things, Alec had realized as he grew up, but his mother deserving the highest amount of respect wasn't one of them. She ran the house, and Alec knew he'd leave is she asked him to. He owed her that much after everything he'd put her through, everything he'd put his family through. She'd still have a husband, still has a whole family if it weren't for him. If she wanted to him to leave he would. He just desperately hoped she didn't want him to. 

“Alec, we're doing this because we love you.” Izzy said softly, reaching out and placing her hand gently on top of his.

He yanked his hand away from hers, standing abruptly, and tried to ignore the guilt pooling inside him at the hurt that flashed in her eyes. “What good do you think is gonna come out of kicking me out?” 

“It'll show you that your life isn't meant to be ignored Alec,” Maryse said, standing to look him in the eye. She couldn't without angling her head up. He was too tall in comparison to her. She still managed to intimidate him into submission. “I don't want to see you waste your life. If showing you that you deserve more than you're giving yourself means I have to be a little bit cruel, then I'll do what I have to.” 

“Fine.” He snapped, turning the corner out of the kitchen and racing up the stairs to his room. He shoved his phone and his wallet into his pockets, slipping on shoes and grabbing a jacket as he headed for the door. He stopped, hesitating for a second, when his eyes landed on the picture on his bookshelf. It was the only thing in this room that meant anything to him. The rest was all just stuff, just clothes and books and papers. But that one photo meant more to him than the rest of it. It was from a few years before everything had gone wrong, before he fucked up their lives because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. 

He was around fifteen at the time it was taken. The small photo was of the four of them, Robert having been away on business, sitting on a park bench having ice cream. Max was kneeling on Alec's lap, trying to grab his cone where he was holding it out of reach, Izzy and his mom both laughing. It was taken by a random street photographer who said he'd send Alec a copy for thirty dollars. He'd handed over all of the money he'd had at the time, and as promised the man sent him the photo an hour later. It was the last time Alec could truly remember everyone being happy. He pocketed the photo before slamming his hand into the light switch and leaving the room. 

“Alec-" Izzy started, trying to catch his wrist as he came down the stairs. He pulled his arm away. 

“No,” he said, looking between his sister and his mother who still stood in the kitchen. He threw his hands up loosely in a mock surrender. “If you want me to go I'll go.” 

“At least pack your things.” Izzy tried again. Her voice was filled to the brim with regret, sounding like the worst thing she'd ever done was agree to throw her older brother out of the house. 

“Why? I don't need them.” He shrugged, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he backed towards the door. 

“Alexander-" his mother tried, a small amount of regret lacing her voice too. 

Alec stopped at the door, grabbing the handle as he looked back at the two most important people in his life. “Thanks for everything, mom. I'll see you around.” and with that he swung the door open, letting it slam closed behind him and stuffing his hands in his pockets as he walked away as quickly as possible. 

He needed to get out, get as far away from the house as possible. This was more than he was bargaining for when he woke up that morning. He had expected another day of sitting around feeling sorry for himself. Well, his expectations were met. He was feeling sorry for himself. But he wasn't sitting around, he couldn't just spend all day in his room. The moment he stepped out that door he lost the right to say he even had one. Because he didn't, not anymore, not after his family had made it so clear that they wanted him to leave. He had left, they got their wish. Hopefully they were happy.

He walked as fast as he was breathing, as close to you could get to running without actually doing it, desperate to get as far away from what used to be his home as possible in as little time as possible. He didn't know where he was going, unsure of where he even could go, but before long he found his feel carrying him to Raj’s. He'd let Alec stay with him. He had to, he was his best friend, his only friend. 

Alec was too lost in his thoughts, paying too little attention to his surroundings, and collided head on with a solid body. “Shit.” He cursed, preparing for his back to hit the ground. 

“Woah,” a startled voice said, the person catching Alec's waist to stop his fall. “You okay buddy?” 

Alec opened his eyes closed, having squeezed them closed when he thought he was going to fall, and looked down to find a boy roughly the same age as him, all golden hair and sporting different coloured eyes. “Yeah, uh, yeah. Sorry.” 

The boy smiled and shook his head. “Don't worry about it. I'm Jace, sorry for almost knocking you over.” He held out his hand for Alec to shake. 

“Alec,” he replied, grabbing his hand softly. “And don't worry about it, it was my fault.” 

“Are you okay? Do you like, need to talk about something?” Jace asked, dropping Alec's hand. 

Alec smiled and shook his head. “Nah, I'm okay, sorry. I was just distracted.” 

“Don't worry about it. I was too.” Jace grinned again. How Alec had managed to bump into an attractive, charismatic boy the same age as him her never understand. Luck didn't seem to be on his side that day. 

“I should, uh, probably get going.” Alec mumbled, jutting his thumb in the direction he was supposed to be going. 

Jace nodded. “Yeah, no, me too. Can I just, one thing?” he stopped, looking at Alec sheepishly. “Can I like, get your phone number? You just, you seem nice, and I don't have any friends,” Alec almost laughed at how impossible that sounded but nodded, handing over his phone for Jace to do as he pleased. He typed in his number quickly, sending himself a text to get his number in return, and handed it back. “Thanks man. I'll see you around.” 

“Yeah. Sure thing.” Alec breathed. 

Jace waved, smiling, before turning around and walking back down the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Alec watched after him for a minute. His phone felt heavy in his hand, his mind jumbled with a million different things. He shook his head, turning his attention away from Jace's retreating form and back towards the direction he was supposed to be heading in. He didn't feel like it anymore though. He wanted to run back to Jace, tell him what had happened and ask what he should do. He knew Raj wouldn't care, that he would let him sleep on his couch and be done with it, but Jace might. He seemed like he would. Alec shook his head again, dismissing the thoughts as they tumbled in. Raj was his best friend, he would go see Raj. 

Alec started up his walk again, pushing thoughts of Jace to the back of his mind. Raj didn't live far from the area he found himself in, about a fifteen minute walk, but it seemed like the longest fifteen minutes of Alec's life. The world around him seemed to still, the air too thick to breathe. His mind was spinning, conjuring images of brown and blue eyes, pulling at him to talk to Jace, tell him instead of Raj. It was ridiculous. He didn't know him. He didn't know how much he'd care. He didn't manage to pull the boy from his thoughts before he reached Raj’s house. There were only two of them living their, Raj and his mother. Kara, Raj’s mother, seemed like a kind enough woman. Alec had never seen her sober or when she wasn't high, so he had no idea if that's how she always was. 

He jumped the steps of their porch, knocking harshly on the door. His hands were shaking. When did his hands start shaking? 

“Hey dude.” Raj pulled the door open, sliming when he saw it was his friend. His eyes were red. He was stoned. 

“I need somewhere to stay.” He said, skipping all the small talk Raj was bound to make in this state. 

Raj blinked. “Nah.” 

“What?” Alec asked, surprised by the response from his friend. The word was getting less and less believable these days.

“I said no.” He responded. 

“What-" Alec stuttered, his eyes wide. “Why the hell not?” 

Raj shrugged. “You're a cool guy and everything Alec, but I don't really care where you end up.” 

“It's your fucking fault that I don't have anywhere to stay!” Alec shouted, gesturing harshly towards Raj. 

He just shrugged again. God, Alec hated him when he was stoned. He never reacted to anything. “It's not my problem.” 

“If it weren't for you I'd still have somewhere to live.” He spat. 

“Why?” Raj spat back. His emotions were always everywhere when he was high. Alec should have expected this. Another reason he was such a screw up. “What did I fucking do Alec?” 

“That guy you sent after me at the party cause you thought I needed to get laid? I didn't want him there so I told him to fuck off. He tried to rape me in an elevator so I defended myself. I got arrested, the cop lost her job, and my mother kicked me out for being irresponsible.” It wasn't the best retelling of the events from the previous night, but it was the most Alec could do in his current state. 

“How is that my fault?” Raj rolled his shoulders back. 

Alec groaned, jamming his finger towards him as he spoke. “If you knew how to listen when someone says no, we wouldn't be in this situation.” 

“You know, why don’t you just off yourself or something. Maybe then you'll stop complaining so much.” Raj spat, going back into his house and slamming the door closed behind him. 

Alec felt as though someone had hit him with a bag of bricks. He slumped down, sitting himself on the steps of Raj’s front porch, standing up almost as soon as he was sitting and then he was running. He was running, not knowing where, uncaring about the people around him giving him odd looks. He ran for longer than he could have any other day, pure adrenaline running through him and he just had to get away. He had to be far, far away before he went home and did something he’d inevitably regret for the rest of his life. The thought of regretting it wasn’t making the idea any less appealing to him. 

He ignored the odd looks people were giving him. It was mid day, around noon, maybe later, and a boy sprinting like his life depended it wasn’t the oddest thing you could see in New York at this time of day. People probably just assumed he had somewhere he needed to be very, very quickly. His breath was coming out in angry huffs, his lungs burning from the extended pressure on them. His legs felt like they would give out under him any minute so he finally slowed down, having put at least fifteen kilometers between Raj’s house and where he stood now, panting in the middle of a busy sidewalk. He ducked into a cafe, buying a coffee with the last of the money from his wallet, and sat down at one of the many tables. He didn’t know if all refills or free or if he looked as bad as he felt and the waitresses were taking pity on him, but they kept his cup filled until it was dark outside and he had to leave due to closing. 

Alec stepped back out into the street, the burn in his chest still present and biting after his unnecessarily long rest in the cafe. All of this was his fault. He knew it was. He brought all the pain of the day on himself. All of the bad things that had happened in his life were purely his own fault. As his mind wandered so did his legs, ad before long he found himself at the bottom of a very tall, very old building. He eyed the rusty fire escape climbing up the side of it, all the way up to the roof, and his mind spun with the thought of climbing up, of throwing himself off the roof of the building. He didn’t have to think twice about it, his hands already on the rungs of the ladder. He went up. 

He wasn’t alone, Alec realized as he reached the top of the creaky metal structure he’d spent the last five minutes of his life on. There was a girl, not much older looking than himself, with fiery red hair and sad green eyes. She had a lit cigarette in her hand, but she wasn’t smoking it. She just stared at Alec as he reached where she was, one foot hanging off the edge of the roof, the other curled under her. “Hey.” She said, her voice soft. 

“Hey.” Alec replied. He walked slowly over to the edge of the roof as well, pushing himself up onto the ledge and swinging his legs over the side, putting any easy slip between himself and death. The thought was comforting. 

“Want this?” The girl asked, gesturing to Alec with her cigarette. He raised an eyebrow, not quite understanding why she was offering, and she spoke again. “I forgot that I can’t have them and I lit it without thinking. Take it, I payed money for it, I don’t wanna waste that.”

Alec shrugged, taking the burning cancer stick from her fingers and pressing it to his lips. He exhaled, sighing at the feeling. Izzy had thrown away the pack she’d found in his room and he hadn’t dared buy another since, relying on Raj’s stash to keep him from going through withdrawal. The thought of the man put a bitter taste in his mouth and he took another drag. “I’m Alec.”

“Clary,” the girl responded, brushing some of her bright hair behind her ear. “Can I ask why you’re here?”

“Why do you think.” Alec shrugged, turning his eyes from her to the city. 

“You’re gonna jump?” She asked, her voice small, quiet. 

Alec nodded, taking another drag from the rapidly shrinking cigarette between his fingers. “Yup.”

“Me too.”

Alec looked at her, really looked at her, and he noticed the bandages around her wrists, the spots of dried blood in her hair, the way she pulled on the bottom of her sweater. She didn’t have any rust from the fire escape on her hands. His were covered in it, meaning she didn’t use it to get up to the roof. “How did you get up here?”

“I live here. It’s an apartment building.” She explained. 

Alec nodded. “Makes sense.” 

The two sat in undisturbed silence for a while, watching the city as Alec’s cigarette dwindled in size, before he eventually had to put it out. He cast his eyes back to Clary every once in awhile before turning his attention to the cars and the people moving along with their lives down below them. He couldn’t imagine what they’d look like, the pair of them, should anyone see them. Alec, in a shirt a size too big, jeans with more rips than denim, a pair of hastily done up work boots on. And Clary, her hair messy, her outfit more put together than anything Alec had ever worn, blood welling up under a layer of bandages wrapped around her forearms. 

“Why do you wanna jump?” Clary asked, breaking the silence that was blanketing them. 

“It’s a long story.” Alec sighed, pushing some of his hair out of his face. 

She shrugged. “I’ve got time.” 

“Okay,” Alec hummed, rolling his shoulders back. “My mom kicked me out today.”

“Sounds like a bitch.” Clary mumbled. 

“Hey, don’t talk about my mother like that.” Alec scolded, his voice taking on a teasing tone he’d only ever used with Izzy or Max. 

They both laughed, Alec’s first real laugh in months. “That doesn’t sound like such a long story.”

“Oh, no, theres more.” Alec sighed. 

“Let me hear it.”

Alec huffed out a breath. He could see it in front of him in the chilly night air, his thing jacket no longer doing much for him. “I almost got raped last night.” 

Clary gasped. “Oh my god, Alec I’m so sorry!”

“Yeah,” he laughed, the sound humorless. “I beat the shit out of the guy, but it just so happened my mom’s police officer friend was chilling in the lobby of the apartment building I was in. I got arrested, insisted it was self defense, she reviewed the security tapes and let me go.”

“I’m glad you beat him up.” She smiled softly at him. 

“I’m not.” He huffed. 

Clary cocked her head to to the side slightly. “Why not?”

“My mom’s police officer friend, she lost her job for letting me go,” Alec shook his head at Clary’s soft noise of realization. “That’s why my mom kicked me out. She’s had enough of my reckless behaviour and wants me to start treating my life like it means something,” he laughed bitterly. “As if it actually does.”

“What happened after?” Clary asked softly. 

Alec exhaled, watching his breath swirl slightly before disappearing. “I went to ask my friend Raj if I could stay with him, he said no.”

“Asshole.” Clary groaned. 

Alec laughed. “He is indeed. What happened last night was his fault. He insisted that I needed to get laid and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“He sounds like a first class dick.” She announced. 

“That he is. I’m just pissed I didn’t realize he was sooner,” he looked off at the city again, a city he would never see again in a little bit. This conversation didn’t change anything, he was still jumping. He turned back to Clary, deciding to prolong his existence a little bit longer. “What about you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think is up with Clary? Why do you think she's gonna jump? I'm super sorry about the lack of an update last week, writers block was kicking my ass and I couldn't write anything except for a new fic I'm working on that'll be posted when rhis and my other current one are finished so be on the lookout for that. As always comments and kudos are highly apprecaitred. Tell me all your thoughts and opinions and theories in the comments, they're the reason I keep writing things. See you next update xx


	4. All Grown Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They stood in silence for another minute or two, just looking out over the city that they’d be leaving. “What are you gonna miss the most?” Clary asked.
> 
>  
> 
> “My family. Even if they kicked me out, I still love them. I’m gonna miss Izzy and Max and my mom. I hope they miss me too,” Alec said. “What about you?”  
>  
> 
> “My family. Simon and Luke.”
> 
>  
> 
> “I’m sure they’ll miss you.” He insisted.  
>  
> 
> “I'm sure your family will miss you too.”  
>  
> 
> Alec didn't comment, he just looked down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to point out any grammatical/spelling errors that you find :)

Clary sighed. She reached towards her pocket, pulling out a box of cigarettes, and moved to take one out of the box. She stilled for a moment, groaning in frustration, and chucked the box off the roof. Alec watched it as it fell until he couldn’t see it anymore. He looked back of at Clary, who had curled her knees up to her chest, and raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t you tell me it was a waste of money if I didn’t smoke one?”

“Yeah.” She mumbled, looking down.

“I think it’s an even bigger waste of money when you throw the entire pack off a roof,” He mused, turning his body to face her, crossing his legs. “Wanna tell me why you can’t smoke?”

Clary sighed again, bringing her legs down and crossing them like Alec had, her knees pressing into his as she scooted closer. Neither made a move to put more space between them. “I’m pregnant.” She said, fiddling with her hands in her lap.

“That’s great, congratulations!” Alec smiled, patting her gently on the knee.

She shook her head. “I don’t want it.”

“Oh,” he deflated a little, rubbing small circles into her knee. “I take back my congratulations then,” Clary laughed, and Alec smiled a little. “Do you know who the father is?” She nodded. “Have you told him?” 

“No.” Clary sighed, looking back up at Alec. 

“Something tells me this is gonna be another long story.” He smiled, trying his best to make her feel comfortable. Surprisingly, Clary smiled a little too.

“I’m a lesbian.” Clary said, her eyes searching Alec’s face for any hint of discomfort. 

“I’m gay.” Alec said in return. Clary’s shoulders sagged, as if a massive weight had been lifted off of them. 

“I had a boyfriend for a while. His name was Simon. He’s been my best friend since I was in elementary school. I love him, I always have, but never in that way. He had a massive crush on me so I agreed to be his girlfriend. We never had sex, so I didn’t have to worry about it, just being in the relationship was good enough. I was so desperate to prove to myself that I was straight, you know? That I wasn’t this awful, wrong thing that people always talked shit about.” She said.

Alec nodded. “I get it. I never did the whole, be in a relationship to trick yourself thing, but I understand.”

“Eventually it got worse. I just couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t deal with the thought that I wasn’t normal, that I wasn’t like everybody else. So, I slept with him. I hated myself for it, and I shut him out for days until he forced me to talk to him. I explained everything and he was really cool about it. He didn’t hate me for it, didn’t hate me for my sexuality, and he started helping me be prouder of it.”

Alec hummed. “That sounds really shitty.” 

Clary laughed a little. “It is.” 

“Is that why you wanna jump?” 

She shook her head. “No. Not all of it. My mom, she died a couple months ago. I tried to kill myself after that too. My step dad, Luke, he stopped me” 

“I’m so sorry Clary.” Alec said, placing his hand over hers on her knee. 

“I can’t help but think, you know, that she’d be so disappointed in me. She spent her entire life working her ass off so I could have a life, go to college, and now all of that is out the window. All those years that she got part time jobs on top of her actual one, and it comes to this. You know, if only I’d behaved, learned not to do things on impulse, maybe I’d be fine. She always told me to act more grown up. Well look at me now mom, I’m all grown up!” She laughed bitterly. 

Alec rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. “I’m sorry.” 

Clary pulled away from him, standing up on the ledge, backing up as she talked. “What the fuck am I supposed to do Alec? I can’t tell Simon, he wouldn’t understand. Am I supposed to love this child? It only exists because of a desperate attempt to prove to myself that I was straight. I’m eighteen!” She continued backing up, flailing her arms as she walked. She was shaky, and the closer she got to the other side of the roof the more Alec found himself wanting to grab her and stop her. She took a couple steps back towards him. “I just want somebody to tell me what’s gonna happen, somebody to help me, but nobody can!” 

“Clary-”

She cut him off of that. “I can’t even afford to get rid of the baby, but I can’t afford to take care of it either! How am I supposed to raise a child when I can’t even pay my rent?! I’m so close to being evicted and what happens then? I’m gonna start showing soon, I need somewhere to live, somewhere to raise my kid. I can’t do this Alec, I can’t!” 

She collapsed onto her knees next to him and Alec reacted quickly, pulling the sobbing girl to his chest. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

“No it’s not, it’s never gonna be okay!” She sobbed, burying her face further into his chest, her hands gripping tightly to his shirt.

Alec shushed her, running his fingers gently through her hair as she cried. He didn’t know how long he sat there holding her, whispering words of encouragement to her as she let out all the emotions of the past few months. He let a few tears slip from his own eyes, rubbing them quickly to will them away. This wasn’t about him. This was about Clary. She needed this more than him. After a while she pulled away, rubbing at her eyes and smiling softly at him. She grabbed his wrist, running her thumb over the rainbow bracelet tied around it. “Where did you get this?”

“My little brother, Max, he made it for me when I told him I was gay. He was really young when I came out, he doesn't remember any of it.” He said, a sad, fond smile on his face.

Clary laughed a little, the sound wet from all her crying. “That’s really sweet.” 

“It is,” Alec nodded. “My sister, Isabelle, she pestered him about making her one with the bi flag colours. He finally gave in after a month. Neither of us have ever taken them off.” 

“You really love them, don't you?” She asked, her fingers still playing with the bracelet as she looked up at him. 

He nodded. “I do. They mean the world to me. If it weren't for them, I think I would have ended up here a lot sooner.” 

Clary smiled sadly, before her eyes swung over to the city below them. They’d been sitting there for well over an hour now. “I’m scared.” She said.

Alec put his hand over hers. “Me too.”

“Together,” She said, pushing herself to her feet. Alec stood up as well, looking down at the fiery haired girl. “You’re unfairly tall.” She huffed, looking up at him, a teasing smile on her face.

“Izzy always used to say the same thing.” He laughed.

“Let’s do this.” Clary said, grabbing Alec’s hand tightly in hers. He laced their fingers together, staring down at the cars below them. Nobody could see them. It was too dark and they were too high up. For a moment it felt like it was just the two of them, an us against the world scenario. His phone buzzed in his pocket and Clary shot him a look. He shrugged, pulling it out of his pocket, and almost dropped it when he saw the notification.

  _Hey dude, just checking to make sure you made it home earlier. Have a good night :) -Jace_

“Who is it?” Clary asked.

Alec shook his head, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. “Nobody.”

They stood in silence for another minute or two, just looking out over the city that they’d be leaving. “What are you gonna miss the most?” Clary asked.

“My family. Even if they kicked me out, I still love them. I’m gonna miss Izzy and Max and my mom. I hope they miss me too,” Alec said. “What about you?”

“My family. Simon and Luke.”

“I’m sure they’ll miss you.” He insisted.

“I'm sure your family will miss you too.”

Alec didn't comment, he just looked down. He didn't know how far from the ground they were, but he knew the fall was going to kill him. The thought didn't scare him as much as it should have.

"I don't think I want you to jump." Clary said, casting her eyes to Alec where he stood next to her. 

"I don't think I want you to jump either." He replied, his eyes trained on the ground below them.   
  
Clary took a step back, keeping her eyes on the ground as she stepped of the ledge. "Then I won't."   
  
Alec turned, the top of his shoe hitting the edge of the roof, and for a second he contemplated throwing himself off anyways. But he looked down and saw the hope in Clary's eyes, shining despite the circumstances. He thought about the text from Jace, how he had no friends, how he wanted Alec to be his only friend. He looked around, his eyes drifting over the bandages wrapped around Clary’s arms, the burnt out cigarette on the ground, and stilled on the rainbow bracelet on his wrist. In a world with Max and Izzy and Clary and Jace his dad and Raj didn’t seem so big anymore. He looked back over the edge, then back over at Clary, and he stepped down too.

His legs felt like jello under him, giving out as soon as he was back on the ground, and he collapsed, slumping down with his back against the ledge. Clary sat down next to him, pressing her leg against his and leaning her head on his shoulder. “I don’t really wanna get rid of the baby,” she told him, lacing his fingers with hers. “I’ve always wanted kids.”

“Then keep it.” He suggested.

Clary laughed. “Wow, thanks for the solution captain obvious.”

He laughed too, resting his head against hers. “I don’t have anywhere to stay.” Alec said.

“Stay with me.” Clary said it like it was the most obvious solution in the world.

“Are you sure? I don’t wanna intrude.” Alec would love to stay with her. He’d only known Clary for an hour but he already felt like she was somebody he could spend forever knowing.

“I just went on a small rant about how I can’t afford my rent, like, fifteen minutes ago,” she laughed, flicking his wrist lightly. “I could really use a roommate.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Great.”

“Wonderful.”

“Fantastic.”

Alec laughed, using the ledge to pull himself to his feet, and held out a hand for Clary to pull herself up. “Come on then, show me this apartment of yours.”

“I hope you’re cool with sleeping on the couch.” She smiled, taking the offered hand and letting him help her off the ground.

“If I fit.” He hummed.

Clary looked up at him, grinning, and shook her head. “I didn’t really think of that. You can have my bed, if you want.”

“Don’t worry about it, the couch is fine.” He smiled.

“Okay, cool,” she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the roof door. “Come on.”

She pulled the door open with a small amount of effort, holding it open and motioning him inside. He laughed, pulling her in with him by their still joined hands. Clary swung their hands between them a little as they walked, the sound of their shoes hitting the concrete stairs echoing around the small area. The walls were covered in chipped grey paint and there was no real flooring to be seen, but it was still nicer than some of the places Alec had seen. The chipped grey paint turned well maintained maroon paint as they reached the top floor of the building, the concrete becoming wood. Clary pulled him towards an elevator, hitting the button for the fourth floor and waiting patiently as it went down, twisting the ring on her middle finger absentmindedly. Alec looked at this girl, with her soft smile and green eyes, and he found it hard to imagine her throwing herself off a building like she wanted to. He held onto her hand a little tighter.

“Thank you for letting me stay here.” he said, pulling her attention away from the metal doors as they descended.

Clary smiled and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. We'll go grab your stuff from your place tomorrow, okay?”

“Sounds good.” He smiled back.

“Great,” She pulled him along to an apartment, pulling a key out of her pocket and fiddling with the lock for a moment before she got it open. “Welcome to my home.”

Alec had seen worse, he told himself that as he looked around the room. It was small, about the size you'd expect when it comes to an apartment for one person, and the only furniture she had was a table and a couch. There was probably a bedroom somewhere, and the kitchen looked to be in decent condition. “Nice.” he said, stepping inside and kicking off his shoes.

“Sorry it's so gross.” Clary flushed, closing the door behind her as she stepped into the room, kicking off her own shoes as well.

Alec shook his head. “Don't be. I've seen worse.”

Clary smiled, hanging her jacket up on a page by the door, and Alec moved to do the same. He watched as she fucked behind a corner, coming back a minute later with a spare blanket and pillow. She put them down on the table before sitting down on the uncomfortable looking couch. Alec sat down beside her, smiling a little when her head immediately tipped onto his shoulder. “Today has been a day.”

“It has indeed.” he laughed, wrapping an arm around her.

“You're a good guy Alec,” Clary said. She turned her head slightly to look up at him. “I'm glad you didn't jump.”

“I'm glad you didn't either.” he said, smiling down at her.

Clary sighed, pulling herself away from Alec and up off the couch. “I'll let you get some sleep. God knows you need it. I'll see you in the morning.”

“Night Clary.” he smiled.

She waved, turning the corner towards what Alec assumed was a bedroom, flicking out the lights as she went, leaving him alone in the darkness of her apartment. He stretched out as much as he could on the couch, pulling the blanket over him and shoving the pillow under his head, and stared at the wall. He didn't get any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda short cause it was supposed to be a part of last weeks chapter but we're just gonna roll with it. Comment your thoughts and opinions as always and I'll try and respond as best as I can without spoiling things :)


	5. (Authors Note)

Hey, important authors note here. I've gotta change my update schedule. School is starting again tomorrow and I don't know if I'll have time to get an update to you guys every week. I'm really gonna try and focus on my grades this year and to do that I'll need to take a step back from some of my other commitments. Unfortunately, that's gonna have to include writing. This isn't as dramatic as it sounds and my updates won't be super scarce, just now instead of every week you'll probably only get a chapter every two weeks. If I can make a chapter happen every week I will and I'll try my best to do it anyways, but I don't want anyone to be confused if theres suddenly an extra week between chapters and I don't want to force unnecessary stress on myself with the once a week deadlines. I'm really sorry about the need for the change in schedule but I feel like it's the best option for me to produce the best quality chapters for you guys and for me to not be too stressed out with deadlines for this on top of schoolwork. I hope you guys understand. Thanks for sticking with me xx

**Author's Note:**

> This switched writing styles like four times, but I'm kinda digging the ending. This is an idea that's been brewing in my brain for years and I'm finally putting it down into words, so bear with me. We've got two years worth of developed plot to get through here. As you can probably tell this is gonna be a pretty heavy fic, and I won't tell you what type of end it's gonna have, but I'm really really proud of it so far. I hope you enjoy it too, let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks for reading :)


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